*Language warning applies*

The Melbourne Spring Racing Carnival is in full swing, with this weekend seeing the running of the time-honoured Caulfield Cup.

The major lead-up to the Melbourne Cup, the 2400 metre handicap race has been a key plank in the preparations of many a previous winner and this year may prove to be no exception.

The work done by the VRC, MRC and the MVRC to promote their major meetings has been an astounding success. But this success has come at a cost. For our sins, the promotion of quality racing at some of the finest courses in the world has resulted in the unmitigated destruction of the day due to the disproportionate attendance at these meetings of Bogans (Booners/Bevans/insert-state-based-variation-here) and the failed attempts of said clubs to either a) handle their behaviour or b) selectively weed them out in a way that would make your local neighbourhood eugenicist proud.

I’ve been racking my brain for weeks trying to come up with a witty, sarcastic and cynical advice piece for those planning on attending The Caulfield Cup, The Cox Plate and the VRC Carnival who wish to avoid the antics of these wankers, and after numerous drafts that all ended up in the virtual trash can, I was about to give up.

Then, I stumbled upon the following and realised that my work had already been done; that to try and attempt something similar would only end up as plagiarism of the worst kind – kind you see in an Andrew Bolt article or blog, only not factually twisted and incorrect.

To whomever puts this website together; you are a national treasure and even though I can tick off up to a dozen likes on the ‘Things Bogans Like’ list, I’m still wise enough to know friends shouldn’t let friends leave the house dressed in white shoes with black suits.  Sucked mango haircuts are so 2003 and shouting ‘wadayoulookinatcuntcomeonthen’ to random passers-by in the public enclosure at Caulfield, Moonee Valley and Flemington, is just not cool.

With sincere thanks to the good people at http://www.thingsboganslike.com, The Bogan Survival Guide could just save your day at the course.

As always, you’re welcome.

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