‘Jernalisms’ – Murdoch Style

News Limited publications have been doing their damnedest to keep their readers in a constant state of fear and panic in recent months.

They’ve been a bunch of reactionary pricks pandering to the tin-foil hatted far-right for years, but by moderate standards (the centre-left and centre-right of politics), the editors at the Daily Tele and the Herald Sun seem to have gone off the reservation with the rise of I.S – all of 12,000 kilometres away from Canberra.

That’s just here in Australia. Fuck knows that Fox News have been bat-shit crazy since Obama took office. So much so, that the shit the Daily Show highlights has by-passed funny and is now – in the twilight of the President’s administration – just scary.

I.S aren’t new. Terrorist groups justifying their existence on the back of organised religion have been around for years. Call them Hezbollah, PLO, Hamas, al Qa’ida, Boko Haram IRA, UDF, Judean People’s Front or whatever; I.S appear to be a pack of fuckwits with cockamamie plans to convert non-believers at the pointy end of an AK47 and I sleep fine at night, notwithstanding excessive amounts of caffeine consumed during daylight hours.

In a world where News Ltd publications evidently believe that ‘freedom’ means that you shouldn’t have any objections to security agencies being able to access your bank accounts, emails and phone records without your knowledge, and anything less than unqualified support for laws that fundamentally inhibit individual liberty as decidedly un-Australian, I got to thinking how the Tele and the Herald Sun would report Luke Skywalker and Rebel forces destroying the Death Star in Episode IV.

If their editorial posturing of the last five to six months is any indication, here’s how News Ltd would be spinning the Alliance’s ‘victory’.

HUNT THEM DOWN – Rebel Scumbags Obliterate Instrument of Peace

Imperial forces remain on interstellar high alert following the barbaric annihilation of the Empire’s newest weapon in the fight against terrorism; the Death Star.

In a shattering blow to inter-Galactic security and peace, Emperor Palpatine’s Death Star came under attack from Rebellion fighter planes launched from a moon on the far side of the planet Yavin late this afternoon.

Despite heroic resistance from Death Star personnel, the Battle station was destroyed a short time after coming under attack.

The loss of the Death Star – a vital plank in the Emperor’s ongoing commitment to peace – is believed to be a retaliatory strike after Imperial forces destroyed Alliance stronghold and terrorist sympathiser planet, Alderaan, earlier this week.

Notwithstanding unconfirmed reports which claim that Lord Darth Vader escaped the attack, there are no survivors from the cowardly assault.

A statement released by Imperial Communications Director Admiral Kendal Ozzel shortly after the devastating assault, praised his fallen Imperial comrades and highlighted the need for recent increases in security.

“Our thoughts and prayers at this time are with the grieving families and relatives of our valiant Death Star personnel,” his announcement read.

“The memories of our brave heroes and fallen comrades who perished at the hands of these cowardly rebels will remain forever in our hearts,” he said.

Commander Cassio Tagge died in the inferno

Commander Cassio Tagge died in the inferno

“At a time of increasing uncertainty for intergalactic commercial interests, the constant threat to peace posed by the enemies of freedom and the overarching need to provide security for families throughout the Galaxy, we are left with no choice but to consider further expansion of Imperial surveillance and counter-terrorism measures to ensure our way of life is not usurped by these pitiless, barbaric Rebels.”

“Citizens of the Empire can rest assured that we will leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of vengeance against those who executed these senseless attacks; beings who appear to have little regard for the beauty and sanctity of life.”

Imperial strongman and Hero: Admiral Motti. Gone too soon.

Imperial Army strongman and Fallen Hero: Admiral Motti. Gone too soon.

“We vow to destroy those responsible and crush, once for all, life-forms who stand in the way of freedom, security and prosperity throughout the Galaxy.”

Yesterday’s horrific attack is the latest in an increasing number of unprovoked and alarmingly well organised assaults on Imperial forces by terrorist insurgents across the Galaxy, particularly from systems such as Chandrila, Dantooine, Corellia and Ord Mandell.

Admiral Ozzel refused to confirm reports that the suspected Rebel bomber had been recruited from, and trained, on the vast deserts of outer-rim planet, Tatooine.

“Look, I’m not suggesting that people who live in desert-like systems are terrorists and not to be trusted. That’s for other people to decide on and it’s not something I’m going to speculate on at this point”, he said

Security experts say the growth, and increasing brazenness of terrorist attacks vindicate recent moves by Emperor Palpatine to dissolve the Galactic Senate.

A highly placed source on Coruscant told News; “The sweeping legislative changes ushered in by Emperor Palpatine appear to have freed Imperial counter-terrorism departments from the shackles of an archaic and inefficient bureaucracy.”

“Bleeding heart types and Rebellion sympathisers like Senator Mon Mothma, Garm Bel Iblis of Corellia and Gial Ackbar of Dac can moan all they want about representative democracy being under threat, but the fact is, the Senate was holding us back from doing our job. Like it or not, Imperial oversight is a necessary casualty in the name of inter-Galactic security and the pursuit of peace,” the source said.

Despite calls for a public enquiry into alleged lapses in internal security that saw terrorist ringleader Princess Leia Organa escape from the Death Star – as well as the failure to identify and repair damage to the space station’s magnetic field – Imperial sources are confident that correct procedure was followed.

A memorial service for Imperial personnel who died in the service of the Empire will be conducted on Coruscant in the coming days.


Grand Moff Tarkin Remembered: Loving Grandfather. Diplomat. Peacekeeper.

Terror Mastermind ‘Princess’ Leia Organa Is Coming For Your Children Next.

Opinion: The Outer Rim Territories: Terrorist Training Grounds and ‘Wretched Hives of Scum and Villany’.

Your Say: “Alderaan had it coming. If they weren’t doing anything wrong, they wouldna been blown up, would they?”

Coruscant’s 10 Best Dressed: Who Rocked It? Who Shocked it?

Planet Hoth: This Season’s Ultimate Chill-Out Destination.

Scientists Encourage Tatooine Residents to ‘Slip, Slop, Slap’: “Two Suns = Double Trouble”, Warns ‘Expert’.

Planning Minister Gives Green Light To Jedi Temple Apartments Development.

Review: Kuat Drive Yards Class II Star Destroyer – “It’s A Beast…


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